Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ark Angels or Literotica, Vana'diel Style.

Disclaimer: If the title isn't a giveaway, this might not be safe for work, children under the age of 18, or people who do not like innuendo ruining their fun and innocent game.

Curious fact: The largest collection of literary erotica in Vana'diel is archived in the Hall of the Gods. No joke. The second largest belong to Bastok's Judiciary Council on Obscenity. Windurst's Optistery rounds out the top three. Depending on who you ask and the moon phase, the largest private collection belongs either to Prince Pieuje of San'd Oria or the Archduke of Jeuno.

Anyway, the largest collection of literary erotica exists in the Hall of the Gods, basement level. Which I guess is about as safe a place as any to keep things hidden from sight and mind, considering that the alternative is an adventurer's heaven of Godlike equipment. And last weekend I had the privelege of actually seeing this collection.

Each book crumbles with age. The papyrus that holds the stories must be so old that not even Maat would ask for it. Most of them I dared not touch. A few I opened. Many of them had illustrations of Sea Monks. I closed those quickly. Most of them were stories, written in a language last spoken by the Zilart and the Kuluu. Only one could I actually read.

Divine Might.

The plot, or what passes for a plot, I have a hard time describing. I guess it's a work of Prophecy written in the far past regarding the far future a.k.a. now. Five angels, warriors of the crystals, one of each race, awaken and have many adventures before they eventually fall. For names, all the reader ever gets are cryptic letters (H.M. E.V. G.K. M.R. and T.T.). I have no clue what they stand for.

Now, I can't actually quote any of this. Do you want Yve'nolle and her brigade of copyright-lawyer-nuns to shut this blog down?

Okay. Point. Still, no quoting.

Wow. I did not know a Tarutaru could do that to a Mithra--wait is that her tiger? No. Definitely a Mithra. Hmm..maybe both. Yeah, both. I didn't know the tiger could do that. The taru is definitely enjoying it though. So I guess it's not that bad.

MAGIC BURST! And the beastmaster too. Weird. I'm kind of jealous.

Oh...scene change. Galka there. And the adventurers. They sure look dead, the adventurers. And the, I only thought the more disturbed Dark Knights did that. I guess I owe Mel an apology. Now the others are joined in. Though the Mithra and the Tarutaru seem otherwise occupied.

Still, with three Crystal Warriors each more powerful than a single group of adventurers, it seems like a sticky situation for these sleeping antagonists. Very sticky.

Oh. They're awake, and getting their revenge. I didn't think they'd get up that fast. Oh...poor Galka. I remember that one scene with the dogs and the adventurers in the traning grounds, only this is more like umm.. the dogs are the adventurers and the adventurers are the Galka and oh look. What a way to go. They'll be debating whether he died happy.

What about the Elvaan and the Hume?

There should be a finale, some awesome scene that will burn the mind out like acid from a notorious Marbol. Instead we get some sweet reminicing scenes about the apparently free-love society in sky, with a guest appearance by Despot. There's some touching scenes with the Mithra and the Elvaan, and a happy ending with the Tarutaru and the magic pots.

The flashbacks are finally over, and back to the present, the Elvaan make some remark to the Hume and there's a quick little scene there before the adventurers descend. The grand finale of all the adventurers converging on those two Ark Angels makes up for the lull in pacing, as they work hard and long on those Crystal Warriors. Nothing all that mind-melting. The ear chopping bit at the end is a little disturbing though.

What's this? You want to know where I got this Suppanomimi? >.> *cough* No, no, I didn't happen like that, I swear! Pervs! I swing a polearm for a living, of course I'm sweaty and out-of-breath. You would be too after two hours of intense...umm...fighting!


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