Thursday, May 8, 2008

And Now, a Word from Our Archduke.

Kam'lanaut's Conspiracies of Vana'diel.

Hello there, I'm Kam'lanaut. You might remember me as the Archduke of Jeuno. You might also remember me as the inventor of airship transporation, crystal synthesis and leave-in conditioner. You certainly don't remember any scandal at the top of Delkfutt's Tower that involved me.

Anyway, I am here today to talk about something very important. Conspiracies. Yes, behind our wonderful, cheery world, are a load of conspiracies that even the most adept and paranoid adventurers are unaware of. So once again, I must do service to our beloved Vana'diel and bring a couple of these to light.

Kilusha's Puppy Mill

"What? An Elvaan?" You might say. "Yes," I say, "an Elvaan." Though she looks like a sweet intellectual, behind those glasses lies a pet-lover crazier that a Mithra Beastmaster. As many know, she's sent out ads in all the Aht Urgan and Jeuno newspapers looking for adventurers to volunteer in experiments, and promising all sorts of rewards.

What she's looking for is a cheap renewable source of foods for her babies. And your only reward is going to be in the knowledge that you have nourished a dog or two. I always thought adventurers were more into tangible rewards, but whatever.

What can you do to prevent Kilusha from decimating the adventuer population? First, of course, is to donate anonymously some Pet Food Alpha. Not a lot, but just enough for the dogs to turn on each other. Second, you can tell your friends that Kilusha's little plea for help, is nothing but her scheme to turn them into kibbles and bits. Third, you can lock her in a room and force her to listen to the Duct Tape Zombies until she goes insane. It should only take about three minutes and forty seconds tops.

The Truth Behind Goblin Food
Goblin Drink, Goblin Bread, Goblin Pie, Goblin Chocolate. Look at the common recipies and it seems innocent enough. An adventurer could easily down one of these tasty snacks and believe them to be simply made by Goblins. But bite into one, and you'll know, there's a zing there that no crayfish or sunflower seed could give.

It's not made by goblins. It's made of goblins. Movapolos is not the innocent underground mining city made to be looted by adventurers, it's a food processing factory that brings even the Cooking Guild of Windurst to shame.

You might ask why Goblins would encourage adventurer's to eat Goblinkind. I honestly cannot tell you, except for the fact that I've seen it with my own eyes. Maybe they're assembling an army of Goblins to take over the world and will use the slaughter of some of their comrades as an excuse. Or they could just be sick like that. Or, they could just be goblins, who knows? Also, exhibt 'A':

Trailmix. Trailmix. See, if Goblins weren't trying to get adventurers to eat them, they wouldn't have a goblin with the name of a tasty sounding snack in the middle of nowhere.

Which bring me to what you can do about it. Boycott Goblin Products. Stop buying Gobbiebags made of Goblin Skin. Stop snacking on Goblin Chocolate. Always have something to eat, even if it's just a mithkabob, so you're not tempted.

That's all the time I have for today, though not all the conspiracies in Vana'diel. There's still Dhamels, Sheep, Yagudo Necklaces, Sushi, Cookies, Manaclippers, Mannequins, Gigas, Trolls, Moogles, Chocobos, Ancient Papyrus, and Galka Bards to consider.

This has been the completely innocent and totally maligned Kam'lanaut signing out. Remember, I am the only thing standing between Maat and world domination.

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